In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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