1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
