i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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