I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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