Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
