no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
time to smoke my breakfast
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Randomize
