I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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