I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
