Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
