I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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