the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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