Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
