yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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