have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
should my penis look like a turkey
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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