Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
