mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
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