where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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