why do cheetos always look like penises
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
