Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
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