she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize