he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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