thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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