The brown eye won't let me do that either.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
