if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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