Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
