I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
