Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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