I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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