I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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