I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize