i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
