you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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