You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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