is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
