OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
