How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
