First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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