The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
