So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
