i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
i was born a porn star she said
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
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