Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
