i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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