Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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