I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
