everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
