Sry I called you an 8
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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