Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
