I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Randomize
