I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
