My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
