Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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