Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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